August 24, 2010
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Balancing Independence
Toddler Ideas is the insightful ezine delivered to your inbox every month from clever-toddler-activities.com
August 2010 Issue 13
Featuring:
- Opening Thoughts Finding the Cause of the Problem
- Q&A with Claire - Balancing Their Independence and Safety in Public
- Tip of the Month - Freedom of Expression
- Cute Corner Be Careful What You Pass
- Wise Words The Secret of Childhood
- Featured Page Wondering How To Encourage Self Care?
Opening Thoughts
Finding the Cause of the ProblemI think it's handy to think about the reasons behind toddler behaviour that bug us. An effective way to do this is to actually use some toddler wisdom and continually ask yourself 'why?' after stating the problem. Then when it makes sense say 'so...' instead and try to come to a conclusion.
For example: Dressing Tom is like a fight these days. Why? Because he doesn't want to get dressed. Why? Because Tom doesn't what to stop playing. Why? Because getting dressed is boring. Why? Because he's told to be still and cooperate when he wants to choose what to do. Why? Because he wants more freedom. Why? Because... through caring for him so much he doesn't have that much control over what he does throughout the day. Why? Because I got so used to caring for my baby who was so dependent.
So... now Tom's a toddler, so he wants to be more independent, so I need to be less controlling and more cooperative, so that'll model more desirable behaviour for him to copy, so I'll give Tom a choice of what he wants to wear and start teaching him how to dress himself.
The answers are inside of you, just sometimes it's handy to spend time to find them. It can be a very rewarding experience. Just try to put your ego to one side so you don't have to justify what you've done in the past... it's OK, everyone makes mistakes. However not every problem's your fault. What about trying this with an open mind?
A word of caution: try to avoid answers such as 'because she's naughty or disrespectful' because those are symptoms rather than causes.
Through examining the causes, I found out that the problem I had with one of the twins was we both wanted to control. I feel more compassionate towards the little tot now because I can identify with how she feels in heated moments, as we have the same problem. I also reminded myself who the adult was and who had more social skills than the other. So I decided to model them.... after all, actions speak louder than words. Of course, I slip up sometimes and act like a toddler, demanding it's done my way just because it's easier for me, but I'm trying to be grown up ALL the time. :-)
This issue of Toddler Ideas shares some tips on balancing your toddler's drive for independence with caring for his dependent needs. I hope you find this issue useful.
Q&A With Claire
If you have a question about toddlers, we'd love to help! Just use our handy contact form.Balancing Their Independence and Safety in Public
Question:
Dear Claire,
Thanks for your Toddler Ideas ezine, I love your unique ideas! Many have worked well for us.
Going out with my son used to be the best part of my day. Now he's nearly a two-year-old it's the worst part of my day. He's a nightmare! He sounds like I'm murdering him when I try to put him in his buggy (stroller) and he makes it impossible to put him in! I'm a little afraid of him running off. Do you have experience of this kind of rebellious behaviour in public? What works for you?
Thanks for any tips you can spare!
Kind regards, Emma
Answer:
Dear Emma,
Thank you very much your kind compliments. You have posed some excellent questions. This is a tough one because keeping a toddler safe while letting them be independent at the same time can often seem impossible, can't it?! Sometimes it's like we adults and toddlers have opposite agendas, which can clash!
I also had the same dilemma with keeping the two-year-old twins I care for safe in public places as they have a real urge for freedom too. I've found giving them something to eat, draw, read or play with helps the girls (and many other toddlers, I've heard) to encourage them to want to get in the buggy. The twins decide when they are going to be persuaded to ride or determined not to, like your son. I hated forcing them in the buggy but as their parents did, I used to do it 'for their safety'. However I don't think they felt very safe.
Since the girls were around 18 months old their parents and I have been teaching them road and public safety tips as they walk close by us along quiet streets and public grassed areas. For the past six months or so I've been letting them decide if they want to walk, ride or be carried on our daily outings (which is usally a combination of all three). We seem unusual for letting them walk at that age. Have a good think about what's right for your family and tread carefully.
We've had awful experiences with reins (their's are also mini backpacks). They hate them and won't wear them without a fight. I think that trying to use them while I pushed the buggy, carried one (while trying to calm her down from the trauma of the reins) and walk though a crowd was part of the problem. I've seen other toddlers walk happily wearing reins. Reins could feel slightly less restrictive than having to hold hands for long periods, especially as the toddler's arm has to be raised to reach the adult's hand.
One of the girls likes to hold hands with me/her parents while the other one only tolerates it while crossing roads or briefly while near a busy road. (I avoid spending long periods of time walking at the side of busy roads.) While walking in parks, church yards and quiet streets, I let them walk alone as long as they stay close by me. Now they respond well to reminders about this.
Their mother found a safer compromise. Their buggy has a strap attached to the handle with a loop at the end which is for the adult to wear around their wrist. The child who doesn't want to hold hands is very happy to hold on to this for long periods of time while walking beside the buggy.
When we went to a busy town centre by train, I was right in thinking it'd be easier to leave the buggy at home. While on the steps, platforms and trains they both were fine about holding my hands. However I knew at least one of them wouldn't be able to do that the whole time. When she refused to hold my hand, I clipped the lead from her reins to a belt loop on my jeans and she happily held the handle through crowds. I admit it's risky, she could have run off, but she took the responsibility seriously and held on tight. (However my hand did hover over her so she wouldn't have gotten far if she tried.) As she held on, she felt trusted.
I think a combination of constantly teaching/reminding toddlers of safety rules with a little trust and freedom (appropriate to the maturity of the child and the situation) is actually safer than sending a message of mistrust by ALWAYS confining him to his buggy and not thinking he's ready to learn about road safety yet.
All healthy toddlers have a deep need for at least some freedom and independence. If that need is being stifled (even in the name of safety), God forbid, there may be an accidental window of opportunity where that toddler runs off with no knowledge of road safety, among other dangers. This could be avoided by simply pointing out road safety (maybe while they're riding in their buggy) and being allowed freedom in parks and other grassy areas. Maybe you already do that?
However, toddlers obviously must be strapped into a carseat on car journeys.... hopefully reassurance and a choice of a couple of distractions works. :-) These girls don't mind as long as they are allowed time to climb into their seats by themselves.
I would like to point out that obviously you are the best judge of when it is safe to let your toddler have independence or not, every situation and child is unique. I think it's very important to be totally comfortable with how you deal with children as they are fantastic at picking up on our emotions, aren't they?!
I hope you find these answers useful in balancing your son's independence and safety in public, Emma. Let me know if any other queries about toddlers pop up.
Warmest Regards,
Claire
Tip of the Month
Freedom of ExpressionI chose this topic then came came across the following quote from the wonderful book Letting Go As Children Grow by Deborah Jackson (Pg 89) (See it on Amazon from the UK
or USA
.) She made the point I was going to make, yet when I read it, I thought I couldn't say it better than this.
Many of us tend to think of creativity as art: painting and pasting and making models. But while all these activities may be done creatively, creativity is the realization of his dreams. It is the expression of himself that matters, an act that need not be confined to art or music, though these are, of course, supremely expressive media.
A child may be creative in his speech, in his play or in his sense of humor, even in his manner of asserting himself. What matters is that the process is personal, and respected by those around him. And yet we continually disturb our children's means of expression.
Cute Corner
Be careful What You PassWhile on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things.
As we passed a sign I told her "that is the name of the town for the next exit". As we passed the exit I told her how we were passing the town.
A few exits later she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas. :-)
-Greg
Received via cleanjoke.com.
Wise Words
The Secret of ChildhoodHere is one of Maria Montessori's observations of an age old habit we adults have that I think has possibly worsened since her time.
If a child is to develop his interior life, he must not only be allowed to touch various objects and work with them but he must do this in a rational and consistent fashion....
but he is never allowed to lay out a continuous course of action. If a child is playing, an adult interrupts him, thinking that it is time for a walk. The child is dressed and taken out. Or a child may be working at a task such as filling a pail with stones when a friend of his mother calls. The child is then interrupted in his work and shown to the visitor. An adult is constantly interrupting the child and breaking into his environment. This powerful being directs the child's life without ever consulting the child himself. And this lack of consideration makes the child think his own activities are of no value.
This quote is from pg 168 of 'The Secret of Childhood' by Maria Montessori. (See it on Amazon from the UK
or USA
.)
Featured Page
Wondering How To Encourage Self Care?I absolutely love toddlers' beaming faces as they proudly proclaim I did it!. Find some parenting tips for your toddler on how to involve them in their personal care. You will both gain so much from the experience of helping your toddler's quest for independence!
What do you think?
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