June 30, 2010
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Handling Toddler Behavior!
Toddler Ideas is the insightful ezine delivered to your inbox every month from clever-toddler-activities.com
June 2010 Issue 11
Featuring:
- Opening Thoughts – The Hardest Part of Childcare
- Q&A with Claire - How Should I Deal with the Terrible Twos?
- Cute Corner – Egg Broke
- Tip of the Month - Feeling Better About Yourself Means
Feeling Better About Your Toddler - Featured Page – Celebrate the 4th of July?
Opening Thoughts
The Hardest Part of ChildcareI've been fortunate that I've be able to care for my favourite age group for years... which, of course is toddlers! Part of my character is that I naturally search for how myself and the situations around me can improve. As the saying goes; there's always room for improvement.
Would you agree that dealing with toddler behaviour is the hardest part of caring for them? Personally I find dealing with toddler discipline and handling temper tantrums rather tiring. I've observed that quite a few common methods of dealing with the 'terrible twos' not only often don't work but make matters worse too!
For a while I didn't know what to do instead. However, about a year ago I found brilliant replacement techniques which create a much more cooperative and pleasant atmosphere while guiding little ones through appropriate toddler development. Feeling intrigued? I hope you find the issue of Toddler Ideas useful.
Q&A With Claire
If you have a question about toddlers, we'd love to help! Just use our handy contact form.How Should I Deal with the Terrible Twos?
Question:
Help! My sweet little baby (well 1-year-old) has reached the terrible twos already! Everything (eg. dressing, eating, bathing, sitting in her stroller etc) feels like a fight. She's been showing major strong emotions many times a day for a few months now. One minute she's giggling and having so much fun, the littlest thing happens and boom, she's having a melt down or a temper tantrum.
Is that normal toddler behavior? How am I meant to handle this oppositional behavior? I'm also having issues with dealing with her toddler tantrums. I know I should just ignore them but at the time it just feels wrong and I worry that I might ignore her crying in pain by mistake if I did. Am I just too soft? I know I've asked a lot but if you have time please could you give me some pointers since you seem to understand toddlers. :-) Thanks!
All the best, Carry
Answer:
Hi Carry,
You've asked some very good questions there. I think most, if not all parents of toddlers at least think about or ask the same questions. Dealing with toddler behavior and handling temper tantrums certainly is challenging. Knowing how to react to each unique situation we're landed with at a moment's notice when our emotions are at there highest is the hardest part! Thanks for the compliment about understanding toddlers, I do try. :-)
Firstly, I would like to mention that I see advice as opportunity for inspiration. Please take what feels true to you because of course, you know more about your daughter than any stranger! :-)
In trying to balance giving you a range of ideas while not sending you a book in an email, I regret it may not be as complete or flow as much I would have liked. I've listed the books I've referenced at the end.
One and two-year-olds resisting routine care or safety precautions sounds very familiar indeed! An urge for independence is an important part of healthy toddler development, now they understand that they are separate from their parents and carers. The fact that these little ones still depend on us for many tasks can lead to toddlers feeling frustrated and angry. As toddlers develop strong preferences with a black and white view on life they can often end up in conflict with what the parent or carer thinks is best.
As you've witnessed these situations often leave toddlers feeling more intense emotions than they know what to do with. If a young child is tired, hungry, thirsty and/or in pain, it's even harder for a toddler to cope. Voila! A temper tantrum beginnings!
Most young children don't have the capability to correctly express their complex thoughts, feelings and reasons behind their actions. A child's behavior, body language and tone of voice/crying is there to communicate their needs. When we try to eliminate the behavior it'll either carry on or transfer into something else undesirable over time until the need they are communicating is listened to and met.
Family parenting counselor, Naomi Aldort, Ph.D. sums up "Realizing that the child is expressing a need can help us shift our purpose so it is no longer about stopping the child's expression, but about finding what he needs. When we stop the child's expression, we stay stuck in our old hurts and we don't understand him. In contrast, when we distinguish our reactive thoughts as old records and investigate them for validity and relevance, we can learn how our mind works, and we can then see the child with clarity in the present."
Later Aldort continues "The five basic emotional needs that drive a child's behavioral language are: Love, Freedom of Self-Expression, Emotional Safety, Autonomy and Power and Self-Esteem.”
I know it's often advised to ignore attention seeking behavior. In my experience that doesn't work, the child's misbehaves even more until the adult is then forced to intervene for safety reasons. His need for attention would only be partly fulfilled because the adult would be cross and the child may face time out.
Humans don't learn as well while in a stressed or an emotionally charged state, this is a fact. Yet we don't think about that when we're enforcing a punishment on a screaming or outraged child, at least I didn't at first.
I'd come to hate ignoring tantrums and putting children in time out at nursery (daycare) because of the hundreds of looks of anger or despair they gave me. To top it all off in general the toddlers' behavior got worse. Now I'm a nanny I never feel the need to put the two-year-old twins in time out.
Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., and William J. Pieper, M.D., write ”Temper tantrums are acts of desperation. They are not calculated efforts at manipulation. If your child is having temper tantrums, try to make yourself more available, not less available.
…You might say something like “I am sorry you are so upset. I'm right here, and I want to help you in any way I can. Why don't we sit here until you feel better.” Offer a hug. If this is rejected, you can try to present a constructive alternative to whatever unfulfilled wish brought on the tantrum (“You can't have more candy today, but would you like to help me make popcorn?”).
Even when your child throws things or becomes destructive and you must restrain him, you can do your best to hold him gently, in a positive and loving manner, while you tell him that you will let go when he calms down.”
I know, staying calm while a child is having a melt down, is much easier said than done! The author of the No-Cry parenting books, Elizabeth Pantley discusses solutions to staying calm and avoiding parental anger.
“...allow your anger to evaporate in the embrace. Take a deep breath and repeat a calming mantra. “She's just a child.” “I can handle this.” “This too shall pass.”... The hug does not mean that you have accepted the misbehavior – you'll still have to deal with that. However, it does tell your child that you love her and will work through any problems.”
Here is a link to a 3 minute YouTube video on useful tips about controlling our tone of voice and body language while handling a temper tantrum or melt down.
Wanting your daughter to be happy is a natural and healthy desire. Yet it's easy for a child to interpret our well meaning aim as they shouldn't cry, feel sad or angry. Suppressed emotions can blurt out as violence, annoying behavior, involuntary ticks (movement), stammering or crying for the oddest of reasons.
Even though it is claimed fear of public speaking is our No. 1 fear, I think (as well as a few others) it is actually of feeling our own emotions. For example "you're fine" is a common reply to a crying baby/toddler. Yet this well meaning reply can be taken by the child as 'you can't trust your own feelings' or 'you shouldn't be feeling sad/angry/frustrated etc'.
In one of Alfie Kohn's ten parenting books he writes “...as parents, our first priority must be to imagine how things look from the child's point of view. That's not just a way to model this particular skill: It's a staple of good parenting, period.”
Parenting expert Deborah Jackson sums up ”Good discipline emerges from a child's sense of belonging and responsibility. He also seeks clues from the behaviour he sees in adults and older children around him. Discipline should not be confused with punishment. Punishment is an overused disciplinary tool.”
When the 'terrible two's' toddler-behavior shows up, first listen to your emotionally charged thoughts and think 'is this how I REALLY WANT to behave?' Often, it's best to ignore our first responses.
Assess the situation, try and figure out which need your child is communicating. With babies and toddlers this can be quite a challenge even if they are verbal!
Asking "why are you crying?" or “what's the matter” can often imply you don't see any reason for them to be upset. Guessing what problem is and turning it in to a simple question and stating the facts are very powerful in helping a child feel validated. Validation enables children to move on, so take care not to dramatize the event and avoid adding your own perception. This is a simple and incomplete teaching from Aldort's book 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves'.
Aldort also advises to “Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. Show confidence in his resourcefulness by not getting all wound up and by not rushing to fix everything”.
But they need to learn their actions have consequences, right? I hear you ponder. Yes I agree... that's life. It's interesting that all the traditional punishments or consequences happen directly to the child. That encourages the very self-centered thinking of 'what would happen to me if I got caught pulling that girls hair' rather than 'what would it feel like for her'. Is the latter a too complex thought patterns for a toddler? Maybe, but it usually takes months (usually years) for toddlers to master prevention of punishment.
Personally I think punishing bad behavior fosters immaturity. Modeling compassion and appropriate acceptance fosters maturity. (I'm NOT talking about passive parenting though.)
'OK so, let's reward/praise the good behavior, right?' I hear you say. Well, have you ever noticed a child's behavior quickly turns from good to bad once praised? I have, many times! Yes, it also can be successful in producing desired behavior. Yet, I've also seen children become addicted to ensuring they're always praised and rewarded. Basically the satisfaction of completing a task, doing something right or being kind is no longer enough. Don't you find a work colleague who always needs recognition annoying?
Another good point Kohn makes is ”In chapter 8 , I suggested that praise for doing something generous get kids focused on our approval of their behavior, and therefore that we might instead try to draw their attention to the effect of their action on the person they helped.”
Now I could go on and on, but I think I've said enough (and hopefully not too much) for one email. :-)
If any of this has sparked your interest, you could find out more from these books. The 'UK' or 'USA' links will take you to the books page on the appropriate Amazon site to hopefully save you some postage.
Resources
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy. By Naomi Aldort, Ph.D. UK
USA
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. By Alfie Kohn UK
USA
The Smart Love Parent: The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline. By Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., and William J. Pieper, M.D. UK
USA
Letting Go As Children Grow: From Early Intimacy to Full Independence – a Parent's Guide. By Deborah Jackson UK
The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behaviour Without Whining, Tantrums and Tears. Elizabeth Pantley UK
I hope that answered your questions Carry. Thanks again for the opportunity to talk about this topic, as I'm so passionate about it. Feel free to ask anything else about toddler-hood as it pops up.
Warmest regards, Claire
Cute Corner
Egg BrokeOne morning my sister woke up to see her two-year-old son standing beside her bed. He said "Egg broke."
She promptly scolded him. "How many times have I told you not to touch the eggs?"
His immediate reply was "One, two, three..." as he pointed to a finger with each number.
Of course, the scolding was immediately over as she tried to stifle the laughter!
Received by Marie Ingellis via The Good, Clean Funnies List
Tip of the Month
Feeling Better About Yourself Means Feeling Better About Your ToddlerChildren really do test us emotionally, don't they? Personally, I think one of the reasons children sometimes can be tricky to interact with is because they can sense all of our emotions and 'see right though us' in a way. I've also found children easily bring up our own past childhood hurts that we may have forgotten about or didn't realize we had.
I, (along with many other individuals) am on a journey of self development. Patricia, my mother, who is also a contributor to Clever Toddler Activities is my patient mentor, to whom I am very grateful for. I would like to personally recommend her ever growing website Towards Happiness. There's lots of valuable free tools to inspire and guide us which are written in a friendly way. I wish you success with your personal journey. :-)
Featured Page
Celebrate the 4th of July?Here are some easy Independence Day crafts especially for young children. Celebrate the Fourth of July with your family in simple, fun, creative ways. Have some holiday fun with your little one by taking part in these easy Independence Day Crafts!
What do you think?
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