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Toddler Behaviour Tips

1. Opening Thoughts – What’s A Successful Day To You?


2. Q&A with Claire - What To Do About Toddlers Shouting At Us?


3. Featured Page – Fun Social Skills Games

Opening Thoughts

Q&A with Claire

What To Do About Toddlers Shouting At Us?

Question:
Hello,

You have a lovely website. Having a 2 year old granddaughter, I find myself really enjoying your ezine. I wish I had more time to explore your site.

My question, Luna has started saying in a loud voice "Shut Up" or "No". What can I do as a grandmother to show her this is not nice behavior?

Thanks for any advice.

Answer:
Hi Connie,

Thank you so much for your kind compliments about Clever Toddler Activities and Toddler Ideas! I'm glad you're finding them useful.

You raise a very good question. I'll do my best to answer it well. :-)

What's Going On Her Life?

Naomi Aldort, parenting counsellor, has come to the conclusion that behind each misbehaviour is a hidden message. The first thing I would do is to look at and examine the big picture. Has Luna gone through some kind of change; such as having new sibling, moving house, starting pre-school or had a staff/group change at her daycare, received/lost a pet or has she had an illness (even a cold) etc... recently? If so, that could affect your granddaughter's tolerance levels... toddlers often find change and discomfort harder to deal with than us, don't they? Keeping this in mind often helps us understand and feel more compassion towards the little tots we care about. I've also found that often behind anger there's fear, but sometimes fear can mask anger.

I may be wrong, but my guess is Luna's not ready to express her feelings yet, right? She may not know exactly what she's feeling herself. I'd discuss your concerns with at least one of her parents. If it's obvious what's bothering her and she has enough language, you may want to ask Luna about the issue and validate/show compassion without adding any drama or your own thoughts on the matter.

Going On At The Time?

Either way, now lets look at the small picture or the shouting itself. Have a think about what happens just before Luna shouts 'no' or 'shut up'. Is there a pattern? Is your granddaughter resisting instructions? Are those requests age appropriate and clear? Are instructions phrased as questions? Is she frustrated? What message is being sent out by the tone of voice, body language or the emotions behind the requests?

Reacting To The Unwanted Behaviour

To directly answer your question, I think modelling the behaviour you would like Luna to copy is the most important action you could take. I find it a challenge to reply calmly when being shouted at in an aggressive way, but it's worth the effort. It's ironic that children actually hear us much more clearly when we talk quietly and calmly than when we try to shout over their raging. I simply try to remember the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you).

Asking what she meant might help. However I’ve found the open ended "what's the matter?" or "why did you shout that?" usually makes things worse. This is because young children think the problem is obvious and seem to feel frustrated about not being understood.

Many adults have helped children feel understood and valued by asking about specific problems/feelings they may have in a calm way, really listening to all their cues and then showing compassion towards their problem. This also teaches young children to identify and label their feelings so they are able to discuss their needs instead of us having to guess what they are. This seems to calm them down and help little ones understand social rules much faster than any other method I've tried.

For instance you could ask "Are you angry because you want to keep playing?" If she says "yes" then, if you really need her to stop, you could help her feel validated by acknowledging her feelings and her right to feel them. "I understand that you're cross and you want to play in the sand, but we have an appointment with the doctor now, so we do need to go."

It may be that you just want to go do something that is not quite as timely. In which case you could say something like "I understand that you're cross and you want to play in the sand, but I would like to go shopping this afternoon. How about if you play a few more minutes and then we'll go? Eh?"

Clearly talking about our feelings (or the feelings of others they hurt) is a good way to encourage them to be compassionate as well. Also I try to think about what messages my body language, facial expression and tone of voice, as well my words are sending as I communicate with toddlers.

Each of us are affected far more as young children than any other point in life, and it's very hard to change what we learnt or perceived then.

Preventing Unwanted Behaviour

Actions speak louder than words, don't they? So, I believe showing love, respect and compassion towards children teaches and embeds this knowledge most effectively.

I've found phrasing requests in a positive way creates the most success. For example instead of "please don't shout" we could say "please talk quietly". Children tend to stop listening when a correction turns into a lecture, so short and sweet is best. :-) Then simply let your granddaughter move on with her day. Except, you may like to consider any underlying causes for the behavior as mentioned above. Personally, I've often realized the problem is that a toddler feels they need more control. So I try to give as many choices as possible and follow through on appropriate requests. Yet, every child is unique with not only a variety of needs but different ways of expressing them. Those need fulfilling in the particular way which is unique to each child.

Example of Using These Techniques

I don't think following scripts is an effective way of communicating with children but here's an example so you can see the many points I've made in context.

Adult: It's time to put your blocks away now.
Toddler: NO!
Adult: Ah, so, you don't want to stop playing? Yeah, you were concentrating on building and now it's time to tidy.
Toddler: SHUT UP!
Adult: *realize's they're towering over the tot and sits next to them. Adult stays calm and continues to talk in a neutral tone* Are you feeling annoyed? I am, I don't like being shouted at. Please will you use kind words in a quiet voice next time. Would you like some help to tidy up? *Tone of voice changes from calm to enthusiastic, with a smile* I know, let's make it a game! Do you want to pick up the first block or shall I?
Toddler: *looks down*
Adult: OK, I'm going to pick up a red, green, blue, another green block and in they go, CRASH! Your turn, which block do you want to pick up first?
Toddler: *Joins in*
....And the 'game' continues.

I would like to add, that I let toddlers refuse to do things like tidying up because resisting someone having power over us (in some shape or form even if we comply at the time) is a natural and healthy reaction. Personally I think a toddler feeling more in control and confident is more important than them being obedient all the time. Do you agree? Why not join the discussion on the topic? Or do you have another tip that you use to encourage your toddler to cooperate?

I can't say I act like that all the time, but that's my aim. These are just some ideas which I hope inspires you to find what's right for you and your granddaughter, Connie. :-) Feel free to ask any other questions about toddlers as they arise.

Warmest regards,

Claire

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