October 06, 2010
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Unconditional Parenting
Toddler Ideas is the insightful ezine delivered to your inbox every month from clever-toddler-activities.com
October 2010 Issue 14
Featuring:
- Opening Thoughts – A Freeing Thought
- Q&A with Claire - What To Do about Toddler Biting?
- Cute Corner – Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs
- Wise Words – Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
- Featured Page – Encouraging Toddler Cooperation
Opening Thoughts
A Freeing ThoughtAfter writing the last issue about encouraging independence I realized I missed an important point. The thought came to me as one of the two-year-old twins was letting me put her socks on, while she was giggling in a yoga pose.
We generally think of independence in children as them doing things by themselves, which of course is true. Toddlers too can do some tasks without assistance. However I think another form of independence in young children, is having autonomy over aspects of their lives.
Personally I prefer the term letting them be independent verses encouraging independence. Most toddlers/young children have a burning need to do things by themselves when they're ready (which isn't really a set age). Yet, most of the time they still need guidance when they’re ready to do something independently, right? Basically I like to follow the child's lead on this subject, as you may well be doing. :-)
This issue of Toddler Ideas shares some tips on gentle parenting. Plus, at the end we introduce our exciting new interactive feature on Clever Toddler Activities! I hope you find this issue useful.
Q&A With Claire
If you have a question about toddlers, we'd love to help! Just use our handy contact form.What To Do about Toddler Biting?
Question:
Hello,
I am just wondering if you have any advice about biting issues. My little boy who will be 3 in a couple of weeks on occasion bites his friends. Sometimes over toys but sometimes for no reason, when over-excited. He seems to think this is OK and he says “I’m eating them”. He also bites his clothes and materials a lot of the time, again for no reason. I have tried lots of different things but none seem to work. What advice do you have? Is this normal?
Thank you
Answer:
Hi! This is a good question as biting is quite a common toddler problem. I've dealt with many instances of toddlers biting while working in nurseries (daycare). As you may have realised, I am fascinated by children, especially toddlers. I’ve been studying in depth how they process the world around them, and how we can best enable them to become the best people they can be.
First I realised that the common practice of making children cry through forced time-out’s (among other things) actually encourages and causes more aggression. I'm constantly learning and practising techniques which truly respect children while still giving them the guidance they need to thrive and grow. I’ve discovered that when a child is treated with true respect, he learns to respect himself and others.
I Like to Ask What Need is Being Communicated? And Why?
The fundamental belief of unconditional parenting or child-led parenting is that the aim of any action a young child makes is to communicate his needs. You've identified that sometimes your son bites because he feels he needs a toy that another child has, so it seems you already understand that he is trying to communicate. You have also observed that at other times he bites when he gets over-excited.Fighting over a toy/object is is a very common form of aggression that toddlers display. And this sometimes results in biting as you’ve seen. The reason behind why this happens so much is the widespread belief in the myth that babies, toddlers and young children need to learn social skills through playing with peers.
First of all babies/toddlers and many pre-schoolers are not developmentally ready to share yet. Secondly, it's like expecting the blind to lead the blind. Little ones learn social skills most effectively from loving adults and much older caring children/teens. These mature playmates have not only mastered sharing but also have the patience to support the tot through this very difficult lesson, gradually.
The next most common reason for biting is a child becoming over-excited. Over-excitement can leave a child feeling overwhelmed, out of control and scared. Getting over-excited may or may not be due to the immediate surroundings or situation.
It's common knowledge that children get sugar highs, which can lead to over-excitement. More and more people are becoming aware that common foods such as wheat/gluten, sugar, fruit, dairy, eggs and artificial additives affect certain people's brains as well as their bodies.
I am one of those people whose body cannot tolerate those foods. I can remember suffering reactions to certain foods as a young child. I could not properly express the internal pressure and overwhelming upheaval that was happening in my little body, which I did not understand. My outlet and cry for help was shouting bizarre sounds and being aggressive, which I was punished for, which made my suffering worse and didn't help at all. Taking those foods out of my diet solved the problem. It might be worth considering if your son is reacting badly to some kind of food.
Watching television encourages us to react to what's on the screen, yet as it's a passive activity, the brain continually suppresses these urges. When we are then given the opportunity to actually react to life, those suppressed urges may come flooding out as over-excitement and hyperactivity.
As well as obvious reasons, there also can be deeper hidden reasons for a child's behavior. Deeper reasons for aggression can consist of feeling helpless, insecure, unloved, scared, overwhelmed, in pain/discomfort, in need of attention and/or connection with parents/caregivers. Even though we really love our children they don’t always perceive our actions as love. Plus, could your son be still teething?
Naomi Aldort, a parenting/family counselor, is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Here is part of her answer to a question on dealing with a toddler biting.
...All these needs are variations on feeling helpless. To give the child an outlet to express her need for power, play “Power Games.” Power games are initiated by your children and are often stopped by you. If your child is running away from the nappy or pajamas, instead of stopping her intent, play with it. You can say, “Oh no, she ran away again,” run after her, barely catch her, then let her slip again and repeat the show. Children start many such games. Be attentive and open-minded. Or, you can play variations on Simon Says, and follow your child’s lead. Getting satisfaction playfully, he will have no need to bite or to gain power in other ways.
Let your child feel satisfied and bring the game to an end when she is satiated. If you initiate the end of the game, the child will perceive you as having the power all along and the healing and joy will be lost.
...If a child bites because she likes the effect, we can offer other activities that satisfy that need. Let her turn the light on and off or the volume of the stereo high and low; give her a toy that squeaks when squeezed; let her push a wagon, spray the yard with the hose, or produce other dramatic effects.
Dealing with your Toddler Biting at the Time
Aldort continues... Be respectful and kind but also physical, swift and clear. Rush and scoop the child (like you would had she run toward the street) while saying something like, “Whoops, oh no!” in a dramatic tone. The first time can easily be the last if your response is clear. If you try words first and then, when the child is deeper into her action you intervene, she will do it again. She does not take it seriously if you don’t. Once you intervene, be kind, loving and connected. Do not judge and preach. Instead, make eye contact, smile, hug, and validate, “Did you have enough of playing with Lili?” Or, “Show me how you feel with this doll.” She may be hungry, or she may need to show you her feelings or just stay close to you....I wouldn’t say “No biting.” Not only is it negative, commanding and disconnecting, but in addition, labeling the child’s action gives it legitimacy. She gets the message that it is a known and valid phenomenon. Words form human memory; it is easier to let go and forget what is not labeled.
If your child is already a biter, not only can you provide for the underlying needs, but also be alert to prevent the biting. You know what sets your child off or what circumstances are more likely to bring up her biting. Catch it before it happens. After a period of time without biting, if she also has her deeper needs met, the child will forget about it.
I would recommend reading the whole of Naomi Aldort's article "When Toddlers Bite".
Her book, offers very useful advice on an enlightening and nourishing approach to parenting children who are truly, emotionally healthy, happy and respectful. Here are links to Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves on Amazon from UK
or USA
.
I hope you find this information helpful. Good fortune in helping your son move past biting soon. :-) Feel free to ask me any other toddler related questions, as they arise.
Warmest regards,
Claire
Cute Corner
Farmer Loses 2025 PigsHoward County police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is entered later into their database by a clerk.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.
"Is it true, Mr. Cates, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being an Arkansas girl herself, the clerk entered:
"Subject lost two sows and twenty-five pigs."
Received via Clean Joke website.
Wise Words
Unconditional Parenting By Alfie Kohn“I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child -from infancy to adolescence- is one who isn't too much trouble to us grown-ups.
Over the last couple of generations, the strategies for trying to produce that result may well have changed. Where kids were once routinely subjected to harsh corporal punishment, they may now be sentenced to time-outs, perhaps, offered rewards when they obey us. But don't mistake new means for new ends. The goal continues to be control, even if we secure it with more modern methods. This isn't because we don't care about our kids. It has more to do with being overwhelmed by the countless prosaic pressures of family life, where the need to get children into and out of the bed, bathtub or car makes it hard to step back and evaluate what we're doing.
One problem with just trying to get kids to do what we say is that this may conflict with other, more ambitous, goals we have for them. This afternoon, your primary concern for your son may be for him to stop raising a ruckus in the supermarket and accept the fact that you're not going the buy a big, colorful box of candy disguised as breakfast cereal. But it's worth digging a little deeper. In thelong-term, what are your objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you'd like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they're grown?” Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: There parents said they wanted their children to be happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant, responsible, functioning, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident.
What's interesting about that collection of adjectives -and what's useful about the process of reflecting on the question in the first place- is that it challenges us to ask whether what we're doing is consistent with what we really want. Are my everyday practices likely to help my children grow into the kind of people I'd like them to be? Will the things I just said to my child at the supermarket contribute in some small way to her becoming happy and balanced and independent and fulfilled and so on - or is it possible (gulp) that the way I tend to handle such situation makes those outcomes less likely? If so, what should I be doing instead?”
If you're intrigued about how that is so and what else we can do, I recommend you check out the rest of the book, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Available from Amazon from the UK
and USA
.
Featured Page
Encouraging Toddler CooperationEncouraging toddler cooperation is not generally the easiest part of looking after little ones, but if it's done in a way that is loving and respectful, it can be a very rewarding experience. Find some parenting tips for your toddler on how to encourage toddler cooperation.
Introducing our exciting new interactive feature on this page! Find out what other parents do to help toddlers want to cooperate. How do you make routine activities fun for your toddler? Tell us about your successes with making things fun for your little one!
What do you think?
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